Addictions · 2008-12-24 17:49
So I haven’t posted anything in 2 months. Not that I’ve got nothing to write about, not that I’m so horrendously busy with school, now work, now dealing with family (dealing, truly). I lead a life that’s about as epic as it can get for an overprotected 21 year old, antisocial, cynical, invited to parties but never go due to time limitations, strict social moralities, awkwardness, and lack of free will.
Maybe some of that lack is self imposed. I give in all the time, and people will probably tell me I’m just a coward for not owning up to my dreams and leaving the past behind. Maybe I’m brewing all this bitterness inside for a potent and dangerous explosion, blowing up bridges instead of burning them, so I can make the point of “I listened, and I still am fucked. You have done me no good keeping me safe from what you don’t understand, and I resent that you kept me blinded.”
I don’t want to be protected. I no longer want to be a protector like my parents, reliving all the unhappy moments of my childhood with my future children, should I have any. I just want to be able. Able to bounce back, say “I’m good, I’m talented, I’m a God created GIFT to the world, this shit happens but it’s not the end of anything at all.”
But I can’t. I’m not a Christian, I’m not much of an optimist, and I think I lost the hope I had. I’m now just in the real world. Just am. Just being. For some this is a state of zen, but for me I feel rather belittled. “This is what I have to do? I want MORE than this.” But I don’t see where I get it.
Sweat · 2008-10-16 15:36
I keep forgetting how easily I sweat. I spend 2 minutes in the sun carrying what seems to be a 35lb backpack, and by the time I take the backpack off there are two distinct sweat lines on my shirt from where the straps pushed back.
It’s kind of embarassing, but I guess it’s one of my unique functions. I sweat a lot. And drink way too little water.
I’m carrying 35lbs today because I bought two books. One for my best friend, since she asked, and one for me, because I tend to buy things when I’m feeling kind of like shit. I clean and I buy, typical American woman style. Or maybe Asian American. I clean and I buy for me.
I clean. This morning I woke up and decided I needed to scrub down my bathroom. It’s never too dirty, but I decided to scrub things down, just today. It’s kind of my way of getting rid of negative energy, to clean things and make it look new. I did the dishes. I know, I know, not exciting, and probably expected of me anyway.
I buy. Getting a book for Erin was on my to do list for some time. I finally did it today. A woman, who I didn’t realize was actually another customer and not a store worker, talked to me about the plot of the book, since I told her I was picking it up for a friend. This lead into a rather nice conversation and lead to my purchase of another book, since I felt kind of bad and needed to think about something else.
At least it was a recommended book. The Hunger Games, I’ll see how good it is.
Attention Span · 2008-09-28 00:23
I am a really bad artist. In the sense that I really do not remember what I draw a lot of the time. Looking back, it’s horrible to see the mistakes. I may be doing the same things over and over.
I lack skills in continuity. Marcus’ hands are important details I didn’t remember, Mobius’ suits are details I didn’t remember. I feel like I just need to take the entire year’s worth of archives and REDO.
That’s going to take a long time o_o
Art Deco · 2008-09-23 22:54
My favorite art period is Art Deco. I have no idea why, maybe something about the 1930s to 1940s (other than war and depression) was pretty awesome, stylistically.
That was inspired by a dream I had. I know I’ve been working on Avatar too long when I start having weird ass dreams about it. It was pre WWII, some of the Avatar peeps and I were at some wedding, and bombs started dropping on us. The rest is equally disturbing…
But I had a pretty dress on.
This image was originally for Divi, but I feel like I’ve been making too many Divi pictures, and you don’t even know what she does! Which is fine. So here’s Alexandra, who looks pretty much exactly like Divi. I only really have one base for all my important characters: kinda stocky, tanned skin, long hair. That all important mole. What sets each woman apart from the others is the color scheme. Divi has white/gray/blue. Here, Alexandra has orange/red/black.
Desktop · 2008-09-16 22:43
Yeah, I’ve been distro hopping for a while. Especially recently, after Ubuntu started sucking. But anyway, I’m now on Arch.
Don’t think I’ll be checking out anything else for a long while. *Crosses fingers*
Here’s my new desktop, Jay approved:
And here’s two new pieces of art, thanks to my discovery of xournal!
Debian Lenny, lite · 2008-08-28 00:13
Openbox is pretty cool. I’ve got a setup with Openbox, Trayer, Tint, Noteo, Xcompmgr (need shadows :P). Totally dropped Compiz, who needs effects when I need to GTD? That and I want quick and snappy. With my integrated ATI Radeon Xpress 1150 card, that’s definitely not possible. It supposedly supports Vista Aero, but hahahahaha oh god no it doesn’t.
Debian sans Compiz works pretty well. Incredible, really. I barely use my memory.
I’m debating whether or not to have a screenshots gallery. I think it’s stupid, since they’re all just snapshots to say “THIS WORKS” instead of “THIS IS PRETTY”.
Anyway.
Notice I have all Linux screenshots. Windows is pretty standard. Go figure.
I need something to control the volume instead of just alsamixer. For some reason my openbox keybind for “amixer set Master 2%+” doesn’t work? Maybe that percentage sign is confusing the crap out of the rc.xml file.
Here’s the wine config snappy. Area04 theme, GIYF.
To hell with it · 2008-08-25 01:26
I’m a skeptic by nature. I’m a cynic, I’m pretty bitter, and I usually think humanity mostly sucks. Time and time again, I know in the end this lack of faith in the world around me is just because I don’t believe in myself. Or something.
However nauseatingly cliche’d it really is, “BEEEELIEEEVE IN YOURSELF AND YOUR DREAMS WILL COME TRUE!!!!!” might be for real. There are bright spots in my life where I think “I’m going to be a healer. I’m going to be a warrior. I’m going to be so spectacular.” And then about a day later, I wake up and realize, no, I’m not a God. I’m not even a notably good human.
I’m impatient, yes. I lack focus, I’m as petty as anyone else could be, I stink up the whole place with my carbon dioxide, I eat not nearly enough as I should but probably still more than my parents’ people back in their homeland, and I don’t appreciate all the things I have. I’m wasteful, I leave my computer on all day so I can look up information I’ll probably never use. I’m not intelligent, I weave together facets of a very esoteric and neurotic life, coming off smarter than I look because I put together facts from Wikipedia and talk about things about 2% of the population actually cares about.
Don’t talk to me about art. It has a shelf life of maybe a day or so before it goes stale. I keep wanting to do things over, and do, which makes me wholly ineffective at Getting Things Done Right. I usually push through and say “well, I’m okay with it now”, and then cringe (very literally curl inwards and look away) when I see it again.
I’m just too much of a goddamn perfectionist. I should just stop giving a damn about how people act, what people do, and enjoy what enjoyable company I can get and give people plenty of room for mistakes (since I myself can be rancid at times). I should stop giving a damn about how things look now, because everything now will go to suck in 5 years, but that should say “improvement” more than anything.
I should stop believing in Perfection, that intangible idea of trying to get some thing or place that’s purposefully out of reach at any time, in any situation. I do like to think something actually being perfect invalidates the idea of perfection. (Confusing concept? Let’s just say I think “perfect” means “impossible”. If you have something that IS perfect, you have done the impossible, which means it was never impossible.)
But everyone and every thing has the capacity to be better. I can believe in Better.
Goodbye For Now · 2008-08-10 02:13
I should really stop posting personal stuff in Avatar. Separate places, separate faces I need to put on.
But I don’t know. It’s 1am, my brother and his wife will be getting up in 3 hours and leaving for the Grand Canyon at 5am, just a minor stopover until their final destination, New York. How long he’ll be staying in the Big Apple, even he doesn’t know. He can’t come home for Christmas, it looks like.
I kinda think I’m up this late to stay up, to see him off.
We said our goodbyes all ready, he didn’t think I should wake up to say goodbye. I held up better than he did, I think. He’s got the longest journey ahead of him.
And I’m just the selfish little sister that wants him to stay. But I know better that to say that to him.
At least his wife will be there. And at least I know he’s only 3 timezones away.
Tianne' - the Cintiq · 2008-07-27 18:05
Finally, pictures (proof) of the rather hefty purchase. Reminded by an old friend, thanks :P
This tablet is girly, and so I named her after my Warrior Priestess of Destruction, Tianne’
And there you have it.
One sexy mama. (The tablet, not me)