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Coming home

2007-12-21 22:23

I’m not sure if I’ve pointed this out, but my brother’s back home. It was sort of surreal as his girlfriend of (a really long time) and I picked him up at 1:30 in the morning.

I couldn’t help but watch other people’s reactions when they saw the people they love come back to them. A couple of girls squealed, one hideously dressed mom seemed awfully apathetic as she was talking on the phone and leading her arriving daughter back to their car. Some people took it easy and walked to their loved one as the loved one walked to them, then each took the other in their arms and walked off.

I don’t know the backgrounds of any of these people, so maybe I don’t know the context. Maybe they have reasons to act as excited or apathetic as they did. I don’t really know, I don’t really care.

But it was really nice seeing my brother so happy to be back home.

I’m glad to have my brother so happy.

Just makes me wonder why exactly I’m not happy myself.

It feels like I’ve been depressed for a long while. It affects me, it affects what I do, and it affects anyone unlucky enough to be near me, to listen to me, to know what I’m like a few levels below the surface.

It also affects Avatar, but we won’t go there.

If it’s all a chemical imbalance in the brain, it just makes me feel broken. But maybe I am. Can I fix myself? Probably not completely, I’ll just stitch things together as I see fit, transform myself into this Modern Art piece where things jut out like spears, making it all the more impossible for anyone to get near.

But enough with the metaphors.

If it is a chemical imbalance, then it’s not my… it’s not my fault. I’m not absolving myself of everything, it’s just that when I get depressed I blame myself, I blame others, I just blame everything because I have this thirst for vengeance, to get myself in the right.

If it’s a chemical imbalance, then I’m depressed because it just happens that I have a bad setup in my head, a low dosage of serotonin. And environmental factors just agitate it, making it all the more unbearable.

And maybe I just overthink things, because it’s 3:39 in the morning and I’m hyped on coffee and I have nothing else to do.

I guess I need sleep. This post has gone on for too long.


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