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2008-04-04 09:46

This will be another analysis on something very strange in my life that will show you the state of my psyche.

It was another casual conversation with Jay. He asked something along the lines of “Would you like to play City of Heroes with my friend and I?” I replied “I’ll try it if you want me to, but I don’t think it’ll be fun for me.”

That should have been it, right? Instead, I managed to write out some few pages of why I didn’t want to play (from past experiences and observations, etc) in defense of myself. I’ll point out a few key words: in defense of myself.

I’ve been thinking about this for a while, because what happened really, really upset me for no real reason (it left me shaking and crying just a little bit – I know, crying at something like this is pushing the limits of reason), and it was on my mind for quite some time. I didn’t want my boyfriend to think I cared less or something, since this is something he’d like to do and I essentially said no. It feels awkward, like some really weird indirect rejection of him, his interests, etc.

It took me an hour or so to flesh out WHY it felt that way, and I have an answer, or maybe half an answer.

It’s because I felt that my parents didn’t want me to be me. You know, normal parents probably ask “Oh, what happened to X that made you do Y?” My parents ask “Why can’t you be smarter/better/nicer/more subservient/ someone else ?” It’s really damaging for anyone to think that the person they are isn’t worthy enough, obviously. And I never want to make someone else feel that way, so any kind of rejection to a relevant interest (in this case, Jay and gaming – you know boys) I never actually want to do, but I end up giving reasons (and plenty of it) in case I accidentally let slip out that I actually don’t care for MMORPG1.

It’s a weird response.

1 Since Jay felt that me implying “I hate ALL games” isn’t actually true, I’m editing this to make it more obvious that MMORPGs are annoying. They ARE o_o



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