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2008-01-06 13:07

It’s so sad what people will say to the face of near strangers (or even close friends you’ve known for 40 years) just to look like they’re normal, or better than just “okay”, even when they’re not.

It feels bad to tell white lies, like “Oh yes, we love Christmas” just to make people feel more comfortable, since every consumerist decorates and buys gifts for some really random ass day since most of the people I’ve seen and talked to are not religious.

I write here to point out that no, I am not okay. I’m apathetic, unfocused, depressed, unhealthy, isolated and probably willingly so since I’m surrounded by facades. Does it make sense? Does it have to? I’m PART of that facade, I go up on that stage and deliver my lines as well as anyone else. I’ve yet to hear someone visiting say “I’m not doing okay. I’ve had SUCH a horrible trip. I just want someone to talk to, really talk to, so we can just get over ourselves.”

No. They say, “I’m good. I love your Christmas tree. It’s so pretty.”

Do I want to hear that my guests are feeling shitty? If it’s the truth, then yes. We all speak in riddles here. We just say “Oh, you know, I’ll be fine, it’s nothing serious“ when we mean “My soul’s being suffocated every day I look at how thick we spread the glossy lacquer of disillusion over everything.”

But I can’t speak the truth here either. I’m no longer just some kid on the internet spewing rants about her daily life. I’m associated with a project that’s real to a lot of people. And if I speak ill of my part in it, people will think I hate the project. You know what it is. I don’t hate the project.

I guess I just hate myself.

But I’ll be fine.


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