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2008-01-23 08:51

Girls, boys, don’t let anyone else set a schedule for you in something you’re not sure you have your heart in.

It really doesn’t take much for an easily influenced, long-term depressed girl in a gilded cage to feel like she’s got too much to handle emotionally.

I’m sorry, everyone. I seriously need a breather from Avatar.

Addendum: I’ve finally taken some pain killers. But regardless of the headaches due from sickness and the crying spells I’ve fallen under today, I’m going to take some time to write out what I feel like.

I agreed to do everything. It was my choice to do this all. At that time, I felt really positive that I’d have the time to do everything I wanted, and you might figure that it’s certainly not the case. I like my free days, I want to spend some of that with my dad, who’s been gone half my life. I just want to sit down and watch a Chow Yun Fat movie with my dad and be amazed by the choreography.

I wanted to have time to do my own art, but that idea is pretty much dried up and dead, except for the occasional doodles I do in my notebook in class. You can tell they’re amazing works of art, those doodles. Something I’m obviously proud of showing. (I haven’t updated my art section since I redid the design.)

I want to have time to do my classes well. I’m trying to build up some sort of future, and apparently my future depends on how well I can pull my shit together through the depression and earn arbitrary grades on how well I regurgitate information.

I want to have time to see my friends, and I’ve lost about 90% of them since I went into college. I see my best friend once a week. I see Jay twice a week. And… that’s it. I’m a shut in.

It’s not Avatar’s fault. But Avatar is just a really huge time sink, and that’s really sort of depressing to say because I want to love it.

But it’s something I fear. I fear losing the audience for Jay’s story. I fear that I don’t put enough into it, that it’ll be some subject of mockery, that I really don’t know what I’m doing at all. I fear Avatar.

And I think I need some time away from it.


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