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To hell with it

2008-08-24 20:26

I’m a skeptic by nature. I’m a cynic, I’m pretty bitter, and I usually think humanity mostly sucks. Time and time again, I know in the end this lack of faith in the world around me is just because I don’t believe in myself. Or something.

However nauseatingly cliche’d it really is, “BEEEELIEEEVE IN YOURSELF AND YOUR DREAMS WILL COME TRUE!!!!!” might be for real. There are bright spots in my life where I think “I’m going to be a healer. I’m going to be a warrior. I’m going to be so spectacular.” And then about a day later, I wake up and realize, no, I’m not a God. I’m not even a notably good human.

I’m impatient, yes. I lack focus, I’m as petty as anyone else could be, I stink up the whole place with my carbon dioxide, I eat not nearly enough as I should but probably still more than my parents’ people back in their homeland, and I don’t appreciate all the things I have. I’m wasteful, I leave my computer on all day so I can look up information I’ll probably never use. I’m not intelligent, I weave together facets of a very esoteric and neurotic life, coming off smarter than I look because I put together facts from Wikipedia and talk about things about 2% of the population actually cares about.

Don’t talk to me about art. It has a shelf life of maybe a day or so before it goes stale. I keep wanting to do things over, and do, which makes me wholly ineffective at Getting Things Done Right. I usually push through and say “well, I’m okay with it now”, and then cringe (very literally curl inwards and look away) when I see it again.

I’m just too much of a goddamn perfectionist. I should just stop giving a damn about how people act, what people do, and enjoy what enjoyable company I can get and give people plenty of room for mistakes (since I myself can be rancid at times). I should stop giving a damn about how things look now, because everything now will go to suck in 5 years, but that should say “improvement” more than anything.

I should stop believing in Perfection, that intangible idea of trying to get some thing or place that’s purposefully out of reach at any time, in any situation. I do like to think something actually being perfect invalidates the idea of perfection. (Confusing concept? Let’s just say I think “perfect” means “impossible”. If you have something that IS perfect, you have done the impossible, which means it was never impossible.)

But everyone and every thing has the capacity to be better. I can believe in Better.



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