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Gotta be more than hoping it's right

2007-05-27 08:44

I feel so emo.

My parents are semi-social, they love having parties and going to parties, and they expect me to clean up. I was talking to these 2 other guys that were there at the party – sons of my dad's former classmate – and they felt that children were brought to this party to be shown off. And they were. I was observing the party, cleaning up as I went along, and I felt like I was just there to increase my parents' status. They clothe me, shelter me, feed me, and have apparently raised me up so well that I am a compliant, smiling, gentle young woman. They have something to be proud of.

But all the children there were awkward. They sort of talked to each other, we related school and how our parents are pushy, and our jobs. There was an awesome lecture from a mixed couple (wife was Burmese, husband Israeli, awfully business intelligent, both engineers). The talk was mostly about how to prepare for the future, and why all these Burmese (probably with other Asians too, but I gotta talk about what I know) families try to push their children into the medical field.

Of course, back in Burma (now known as Myanmar, but it's less fun to say), there was only about 3 fields of work that can give someone enough income to feed their family every day. Medicine, engineering, or business. There wasn't much else unless you were in the government and were corrupt. So, people left.

While that's understandable back in Burma, things are really different here. The whole American dream, rags-to-riches thing might actually work. Isn't it enough that I might find something I like that can support me living on my own? I don't need bucketloads of money, I don't need a whole lot of stuff. Most of my money goes towards food.

Of course I don't want to become a doctor. I know it sort of hurts my dad and angers my mom every time I say that, but they'll have to be happy that they've convinced ONE kid to be a doctor. It's not my thing. And neither was it a “thing” for the 2 brothers I talked to who grew up being pushed the same way.

Maybe growing up in America made us kids spoiled, and made us think anything's possible. But this is the reason my parents moved in the first place. To give us chances, give us stuff, give us better opportunities. And then they say “You become this one thing or you'll die in the streets.”

None of us can see the future exactly. Things shift all the time, there are a thousand different possibilities with every action. I doubt I'll end up in the streets.

I say I'm emo because I'm currently skipping out on that party, and hoping my future doesn't turn out so bleak.

I stayed there for about 6 hours. That's good enough, right? I have 2 papers due this week anyway, and my Saturday blew. Today, I'll probably skip dinner because I ate too much at lunch. Time for the paper? Maybe. I hate this class.

I miss my ex boyfriend, Spam. It's the truth, I'm not going to deny it. But I miss him for the wrong reasons. I miss him because he was my escape, because he fed me hopes and dreams, because I got to sleep someplace that wasn't being paid for by my parents. I miss him because I felt like I was constantly in danger, and it gave me an interesting perspective on my life. I miss him because he was someone I could have run to, but never did, because I was scared of the both of us. I miss him because I will never be the same way again.

I love him still for who he was when I was there with him. Even though he annoyed me a lot, and I cried when he wasn't around because he made me feel so different and so weird and so scared, I loved him because he was there, for me.

As you can tell, I lived off of attention in that relationship. It wasn't a partnership, like I believe relationships should be now. That relationship was feeding a powerful monster that made me feel on top of the world when I could say proudly “He's mine“, and made me feel so tiny and dark when I realize he wasn't who I wanted, needed him to be.

He dated and loved that monster more than he ever dated or loved who I was.

A shame, really. And it's a loss for the both of us, that relationship. I don't know if I grew. I certainly changed, but I can only grow when I want to. I don't want to because I already feel so old.

And this is why I'm emo.


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