Flavored Orange Network

Arty Sites

Recommended Music

Social Networking




RSS / Atom



2008-12-24 11:49

So I haven’t posted anything in 2 months. Not that I’ve got nothing to write about, not that I’m so horrendously busy with school, now work, now dealing with family (dealing, truly). I lead a life that’s about as epic as it can get for an overprotected 21 year old, antisocial, cynical, invited to parties but never go due to time limitations, strict social moralities, awkwardness, and lack of free will.

Maybe some of that lack is self imposed. I give in all the time, and people will probably tell me I’m just a coward for not owning up to my dreams and leaving the past behind. Maybe I’m brewing all this bitterness inside for a potent and dangerous explosion, blowing up bridges instead of burning them, so I can make the point of “I listened, and I still am fucked. You have done me no good keeping me safe from what you don’t understand, and I resent that you kept me blinded.”

I don’t want to be protected. I no longer want to be a protector like my parents, reliving all the unhappy moments of my childhood with my future children, should I have any. I just want to be able. Able to bounce back, say “I’m good, I’m talented, I’m a God created GIFT to the world, this shit happens but it’s not the end of anything at all.”

But I can’t. I’m not a Christian, I’m not much of an optimist, and I think I lost the hope I had. I’m now just in the real world. Just am. Just being. For some this is a state of zen, but for me I feel rather belittled. “This is what I have to do? I want MORE than this.” But I don’t see where I get it.



Commenting is closed for this article.