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2008-02-29 08:08

I am pretty sure this morning sucked more than any other morning in recent history.

When you’re driving with the “need gas” light on, and you realize 16 miles away on a road with steep hills in a low mpg SUV that you forgot your wallet, you sort of worry “Hey, am I going to make it back okay?”

Also, said going back to get wallet and gas = hour lost, essentially. I got in late to class, but I’m not sure if that really hurts me.

Coming back from class hurt too, for some reason. I had a headache and I had a distinct feeling like I was going to pass out. Luckily, though, since I am writing this, I didn’t.

Let’s hope it doesn’t happen again.




2008-02-27 13:38

Deep Dish – Dreams

Thunder only happens when it’s raining…

Weather has gotten a bit better, but the headaches and sleepiness aren’t. I was feeling sort of good this morning, too, but Wednesdays are always strange.




2008-02-24 10:18

I just read all of the Trigun manga. After what, 3 years of not keeping up to date?

Holy crap. Waaaay better than the anime. And also, Meryl kicks so much more ass in this, she’s got a bigger role than I thought she would have. This reminds me of the Vash/Meryl glory days. And I know it’s still there, too, though this time around Vash’s relationships are COMPLETELY PLATONIC. It’s still awesome, what they have.

I hope I’m not the only one who thinks Livio is TOTAL hotness. That is one bad 3x Wolfwood punisher power mo-oh-my-god-I-want-a-piece-of-his-ass-fo. If they make this into a movie, I’m definitely going to see it




2008-02-22 16:37

I’m a perpetrator!

In other news, holy frakkin’ Christ, does the perpetrator read my soul. Though I think I’m generally a nice person, I just don’t get involved with other people o_o

PS. Lab-mate-reader – thanks for not pointing out how emo I am. Thanks for reading, as well :)

Well, okay, I guess I’m a mix of all three. Three times the messed-up-ness! OY.




2008-02-14 06:29

It’s amazing what some chemical compounds compel we humans to do, to feel. I keep wondering about the physiological evolutionary advantages/disadvantages of having depression. It’s easy to say that depression is actually some kind of disease, where something is malfunctioning and is agitated by environmental factors.

If there was a very, very healthy person faced with daily obstacles, you’d find her being able to deal, able to walk, run away from dangers, fight back. A “less healthy” (‘cause mental health is important for overall health, and depression is never GOOD) trips, gets left behind or just stops and sulks.

It’s sort of like the flu. You won’t enjoy it, you hate the way you’re sick, and sometimes you do things to take care of it, but other times you feel just that shitty that you can’t move at all.

Easy pickings for the predators. Natural selection, maybe? If we weren’t so good at living, we might be superhumans today.

Our we might not be here at all.

But anyway, this is random speculation.



A Sign of the Times

2008-02-10 20:14

I had a dream sometime ago when I was in the future about 5 years from now. I was apparently successful, rich, and captivating. I lived on this crazy island where friends had to come to me by helicopter, which I obviously paid for and hired a pilot to go fetch my friends.

An ex-boyfriend (or maybe ex-woulda-been-boyfriend from a long, long time ago) came, and I gave him one of those glompy hugs. He was entirely smitten by my success and physical maturation, so he tried flirting with me and giving me plastic flowers. I said “Thanks”, and then proceeded to snuggle with Jay.

And both of them were pissed that I didn’t clarify my relationship status.

But in my dream I said something along the lines of “Hey! It’s IN MY FACEBOOK.”



Truth in Advertising

2008-02-09 08:27

I hate to say it, but I guess some commercials sell truth. The anti-drug ones have their hearts in the right places, but don’t you think they’re being too high and mighty? Advertising is a hook, a story you’re supposed to understand and digest in under a minute.

Car commercials are sort of fun to watch because I think they know that embellishment is the way to go. Cars are great, don’t get me wrong. But when a car is riding an asphalt wave, that’s a little out there, don’t you think? (btw that commercial is awesome)

I got distracted.

Anyway, there is truth in advertising.

“Depression hurts.”



My Triumphs, My Mistakes

2008-01-31 18:11

I so totally stole that from Battlestar Galactica. Forgive me.

This link is going to be a generally unpleasant recollection of what the funk I’m psychologically going through.

Take your chances, otherwise go about your day thinking I’m just another girl on Ring Road. I’m cool with either.



2008-01-23 08:51

Girls, boys, don’t let anyone else set a schedule for you in something you’re not sure you have your heart in.

It really doesn’t take much for an easily influenced, long-term depressed girl in a gilded cage to feel like she’s got too much to handle emotionally.

I’m sorry, everyone. I seriously need a breather from Avatar.

Addendum: I’ve finally taken some pain killers. But regardless of the headaches due from sickness and the crying spells I’ve fallen under today, I’m going to take some time to write out what I feel like.

I agreed to do everything. It was my choice to do this all. At that time, I felt really positive that I’d have the time to do everything I wanted, and you might figure that it’s certainly not the case. I like my free days, I want to spend some of that with my dad, who’s been gone half my life. I just want to sit down and watch a Chow Yun Fat movie with my dad and be amazed by the choreography.

I wanted to have time to do my own art, but that idea is pretty much dried up and dead, except for the occasional doodles I do in my notebook in class. You can tell they’re amazing works of art, those doodles. Something I’m obviously proud of showing. (I haven’t updated my art section since I redid the design.)

I want to have time to do my classes well. I’m trying to build up some sort of future, and apparently my future depends on how well I can pull my shit together through the depression and earn arbitrary grades on how well I regurgitate information.

I want to have time to see my friends, and I’ve lost about 90% of them since I went into college. I see my best friend once a week. I see Jay twice a week. And… that’s it. I’m a shut in.

It’s not Avatar’s fault. But Avatar is just a really huge time sink, and that’s really sort of depressing to say because I want to love it.

But it’s something I fear. I fear losing the audience for Jay’s story. I fear that I don’t put enough into it, that it’ll be some subject of mockery, that I really don’t know what I’m doing at all. I fear Avatar.

And I think I need some time away from it.


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