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2008-01-16 11:32

I will make it clear to anyone who reads this that I really, really hate religion.

Well, maybe not “religion”, since all religions aim to make people better in at least one sense. But at least I hate the people who twist religion and superstition so much that it affects more than themselves. Religion is supposed to be personal. Evangelism is good in limited amounts, but by the time a person is comfortable with the way of life they’re in, I doubt they’re going to be willing to change their views so readily.

I know people who will bend, provided good reason and logic. But there’s no logic in the people who tell me to do something mindless, like CLEAN A GILDED SHRINE for the freaking Buddha (didn’t he say something about MODERATION? Sheesh) because I had car trouble, to prevent such further troubles.

I don’t know about you, but I doubt God, the Buddha, or any deity really cares that personally about if their shrine is sparkling (clean or with gold leaf). I’m sure they care more that you care about them, not the shrine.

I know my parents think that the larger and more extravagant the shrine, the more they think they mean to the Gods and to their religious friends. I’ve been in temples that were nothing but PRETTY. It’s inspiring sometimes, yes, but it’s also very, very gaudy at the same time. I look at life differently, I suppose.

When I walk into a temple, I expect an airy, comfortable place where people aren’t staring down at me like I’m less than acceptable in their eyes. I want symbols, yes, but in subtle ways. I don’t need 10,000 Buddha statues to remind me that my family’s Buddhist. One is enough, and the simplicity in the way he’s presented should remind you more of his words, not “ooh, pretty”.

Religion can be SO shallow sometimes.



2008-01-16 10:39

I’ve been feeling better recently.

And I’ve been getting up at 5am recently.

I really don’t know if there’s a correlation, but if getting up earlier means I don’t get this chemical imbalance, or at least have it measurably less, then I think it’s a good thing. It may help that I have an MP3 player to replace the iPod I left behind on a Eurostar train in England. (-_-) I seriously can’t live without music. Silence is good sometimes, but rarely in my life.

In other news, I have been having such bad luck with cars. I didn’t get into another accident, but I killed the battery on this big SUV that my parents had as a spare (because it’s 12 years old and they can’t sell it for that much considering it’s dirty as hell). Luckily, I found this super nice guy that had jumper cables at 7pm last night, and he was totally a car guy so things were ready to go in no time.

If it says anything, his car was about twice as old as mine, or so it seemed o_o

So I did manage to get some face time with Jay, which was nice. When is Battlestar coming back? :(



2008-01-12 14:55

Oh, baby I am such a hypocrite. Catch me at a good time and I can tell you all the things that are amazing, fantastic, worthwhile. Catch me when I’m not in such a euphoric state and you’ll be witnessing how this structured pool of cells cries out profane lies about how hard this life is.

Maybe not lies. But melodrama should have its limits.

I may actually just dislike having people around me. I don’t know why else I’d find it fascinating to think “You know, I think X will stick around for about 2 weeks before he decides that I’m not worth it.”

It’s like I’m betting against myself.


Not Your Doctor

2008-01-10 18:26

This was just in my head for a while, for some reason. I see it being something Divi can say.

“I’m not your doctor. I’m not your nurse. I’m not going to tell you what’s wrong with you, I’m not going to diagnose the problem. I can give you advice, I can give you sympathy, but where you’re wrong I can only point it out, what I see, what I think, not what I am absolutely sure is happening.

I can’t prescribe anything, and I am NOT a magical cure-all. I will not let you treat me as if I’m anything more than I think I am, can be. I’m a human being, and you will understand that I make mistakes, that I don’t understand everything, especially how to speak the right words in order to placate you.

I don’t have bedside manners. I will say what’s on my mind that I want you to know. My thoughts will have as much meaning as you give it, and I know you’ll take it the wrong way when I throw in my odd humor now and then, to break up the monotony, to make life just a little easier to swallow day and day again.

This world will swallow me up, if I don’t stand on it, take control of what I can. Your problems are the least of my worries, but I will try to help you as I can anyway, because we’re all just fighting to survive, and I know that… I’ll keep you safe if you’ll help me.”

Aaand I’m sleepy.


Growing older never meant growing wiser

2008-01-09 17:46

I just read through an entire archive of a comic that apparently abuses its share of tropes.

I’m entertained by such things. I personally like how people weave together overly complex stories and still make it sort of personal enough to be bearable by people like me. There are plenty of comics like that, I’d have to say if I made one myself I’m pretty sure I’d fall into a few of these bad trope categories.

I guess this means I have more sympathy to the people who write with bad tropes.

I just don’t think it makes the story any worse. Stories are made up of dreams and desires, and sometimes what certain people desire are just the small, ridiculous things that make life a little less serious. Stringing together weeks and weeks of The World’s Going To End is pretty bad, but you can’t deny that it has a certain UMPH to it.

Everyone wants to be a hero. Maybe recognized for their beliefs in what they think is right.

In reference back to a certain conversation made with a certain someone, I will never enjoy horror films. Maybe that’s the point, but I won’t willingly do it unless someone specifically asks for me to be present in the viewing. I just don’t get it. What is there to see that I won’t freak out at? Horror films make you think better or make you more paranoid of the people around you? Think better than your foe to SURVIVE? I’m surviving the best I can with people who are trying to HELP ME. I don’t need to think about people who are only willing to give me more grief than I want. I have enough problems with the people who are trying to alleviate my worries.



2008-01-06 13:07

It’s so sad what people will say to the face of near strangers (or even close friends you’ve known for 40 years) just to look like they’re normal, or better than just “okay”, even when they’re not.

It feels bad to tell white lies, like “Oh yes, we love Christmas” just to make people feel more comfortable, since every consumerist decorates and buys gifts for some really random ass day since most of the people I’ve seen and talked to are not religious.

I write here to point out that no, I am not okay. I’m apathetic, unfocused, depressed, unhealthy, isolated and probably willingly so since I’m surrounded by facades. Does it make sense? Does it have to? I’m PART of that facade, I go up on that stage and deliver my lines as well as anyone else. I’ve yet to hear someone visiting say “I’m not doing okay. I’ve had SUCH a horrible trip. I just want someone to talk to, really talk to, so we can just get over ourselves.”

No. They say, “I’m good. I love your Christmas tree. It’s so pretty.”

Do I want to hear that my guests are feeling shitty? If it’s the truth, then yes. We all speak in riddles here. We just say “Oh, you know, I’ll be fine, it’s nothing serious“ when we mean “My soul’s being suffocated every day I look at how thick we spread the glossy lacquer of disillusion over everything.”

But I can’t speak the truth here either. I’m no longer just some kid on the internet spewing rants about her daily life. I’m associated with a project that’s real to a lot of people. And if I speak ill of my part in it, people will think I hate the project. You know what it is. I don’t hate the project.

I guess I just hate myself.

But I’ll be fine.



2008-01-04 16:56

There’s just something strange going on. And I just can’t tell what it is.

In other words, I’m not faring well. But whatever, it doesn’t matter. I’ll be all right eventually, and that’s what matters.


Wail, the good kind

2008-01-01 17:13

There’s just something so entirely classy about guitars. Listen to a beautiful rift in a song and it just transports you into a world full of good vibrations.

Here’s a couple of artists that I enjoy:

Listening to music like that just lets me take it easy. Let the sounds wash over. Maybe it’s what I need today.



2007-12-31 19:04

Have a good year, folks. :)


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