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Typed, Cast

2007-12-30 17:52

I’d rather type than do the strip for Avatar right now.

There are plenty of reasons, see post below about freaking CAR ACCIDENT. Also, I spent 3 hours working on a panel I didn’t like, only to have it be saved wrong (color information in the wrong layer, fuck).

Complain, blah blah bitch I-wish-I-could-say-something-important, life sucks, I’m so emo, please pay attention, why are you such ASSHOLES, Jesus I’m sorry please give me love, wait you’re too close, talk to the hand, don’t go far!

My relationship in a nutshell: Jay, I’m sorry. You don’t want me to be sorry? Oh, I’m sorry!

Sarcasm. Ha ha, witty remark, what’s up with you? Oh, that sucks, life sucks, you suck, we all suck! The world’s going to explode, the sun’s going to eat us up, and it’s ALL OUR FAULT. GOD HATES US.

Jesus loves you!

Don’t say that! Blasphemy.

But it’s true! Mmm necrophilia. He’s not really dead. But he’s also not alive. He’s in our hearts? He’s in our HEADS. He’s on my mind, he’s the spirit in the sky, he’s everywhere but nowhere we can see him. He’s the “right” thinking, that love and trust can bridge worlds together. That trust in being “better”, making the world better, will make you satisfied. What IS satisfaction?

Can you trust people? What are words? Can you understand everything? Does it matter? What’s inside of you, what’s inside of me, is there anything there or are we all just making shit up?

Believe me, I’m just as crazy as you are.

"WTF, Lani." Comments?



2007-12-29 12:14

I got in a car accident! Small coup + raised pickup truck = disaster for me, nothing for the pickup, who in fact just drove away, leaving me behind (helpless) in the 4th lane of the 55 northbound freeway.

It was my fault, though, considering I rear ended him, but I don’t understand why he just left. o_O

I’m okay. Stiff neck, but that’s all. I just wish there was a UCI carpool for students. -_-



2007-12-27 16:31

One thing I’ve noticed recently is that I have no respect for my own art. I have no respect for my own self, much less my art.

You can’t learn without respect. You can’t bend because you’re hollowing yourself out, telling yourself “This doesn’t happen because you’re not good enough”, carving yourself from inside out wondering why the world hates you when you’re only hating yourself.

It’s not a good style.

You seriously can’t learn ANYTHING without respect for the universe, for the world around you, for the fact that you’ve got absolutely nothing when it comes to real knowledge, nothing when it comes to real emotion, nothing when it comes to real sense. You think you know yourself better than anyone else. You think you have the right to be so empty, the right to be so negative, so depressed.

I don’t think that’s true. It’s not a right to be depressed. It’s a choice, and not one we’re supposed to be proud of, because what else do we do but sit around and mope while simultaneously destroying everything we thought we held dear? We’re all learning about who we are every day: every day is a new test, a new gift, a new suffering. People who have no respect for themselves are pathetic – we go around wondering why there are so many hours in a day, which we then spend wondering why our lives are so empty as we stare at windows or at walls, or at other people as they pass us by, leave us behind.

I don’t want to be left behind.

There are too many things for me to do, too many things sensible people are asking me to realize, too much sun and warmth and fun waiting for me, if I’d only reach out.

And yes, it feels so, so cold, so empty right now. The absolute worst thing to do is curl up and be still.

Right now it feels like I’m letting go of the greatest thing I’ll ever have. That’s so, so very stupid. I’ll have to get a grip – on everything. Especially, especially myself. I’m the best thing I’ll ever have. And it’ll be the hardest thing to accept.



2007-12-27 11:42

I think I should stop being emo. This is some boring break. Compared to how bad it could be, and compared to how GREAT it could have been…

A new year couldn’t come fast enough.



2007-12-26 15:39

I believe there are just times when I need to be talked at, just talked to, like Erin does when we’re together. It’s comforting, being the listener. It makes me feel like my problems are secondary. It puts someone else in the spotlight. And while that may only make me forget my own troubles for a while, it makes me feel special, like there’s someone who WANTS to talk to me.

Being out of the spotlight, but special at the same time. It’s such a delicate balance.

I just want someone to talk to me. I don’t want to think about my problems.

Just… someone…


Post Haste

2007-12-25 19:44

Finally, it’s the 26th. Did everyone get what they wanted?

Me neither.

Which is sad, because I asked for nothing. O_o


Happy Holidays

2007-12-25 05:13

Enjoy whatever you celebrate. I hope it’s going better than mine.

Obviously there’s no cause for concern. I just don’t like the fact that there’s endless, pointless bickering and that my mother is being… my mother. Those who know her know exactly what I’m talking about, and well, I’m biased but I truly do not need any of her “advice” and guilt trips.

Enough with that.

Seriously, enough.


Fortune Telling

2007-12-24 09:44

Maybe it was yesterday, I don’t remember, my parents, my grandmother, my brother and his girlfriend went out to see a fortune teller.

Don’t ask me why, my mom and grandmother are superstitious and I guess it was just for fun for the rest of them. But everyone had their fortunes told, even for me when I wasn’t physically there.

It’s sort of a cute story for my brother. He was supposed to get his future read first, but then the lady psychic said “No, I’m going to have to check out your girlfriend first, to make sure you two are all right.” I’m sure that was sort of unsettling.

They seemed to work out just fine, though. In Chinese astrology they’re both dogs, so the psychic said “You two will be beside each other for a long time.”

She said my mom would get into a car accident, which is another thing we’re going to be looking out for. 2008 will not be good for my Dad, apparently.

For me, I’m not truly going to be happy until I’m 22. She said that from the ages of 17-19 I’d be at my worst, which I suppose is true. I’m 20 now, but that change was very recent. She said I’m lucky, and that no one needs to worry about me because I’m set to be lucky (in the good way) for life. And beyond anyone’s expectations (my own included), I’d become some doctor.

We’ll see about that last part.

The psychic mentioned something about late April to mid May being my best months.

I’m wondering, isn’t that when I met Jay?


Craig's List

2007-12-23 10:51

I have spent waaaaaaaay too much time on the Best of Craig’s List. There are some fantastic, entertaining writers out there, but I’ve got a comic to do and a summary to read.

There are a lot of escapist techniques in my life, sadly. Not that anything’s particularly bad at this point, but I’ve just noticed that there are a lot of time sinks. But maybe I’m easily amused and bad at scheduling.

My favorite of the day: “Dear Boyfriend: I Love You, Please Don’t Murder Me In My Sleep. Basically what I’m trying to say here is that I love you, and that makes me think that you are probably a total nutcase.”


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