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Coming home

2007-12-21 22:23

I’m not sure if I’ve pointed this out, but my brother’s back home. It was sort of surreal as his girlfriend of (a really long time) and I picked him up at 1:30 in the morning.

I couldn’t help but watch other people’s reactions when they saw the people they love come back to them. A couple of girls squealed, one hideously dressed mom seemed awfully apathetic as she was talking on the phone and leading her arriving daughter back to their car. Some people took it easy and walked to their loved one as the loved one walked to them, then each took the other in their arms and walked off.

I don’t know the backgrounds of any of these people, so maybe I don’t know the context. Maybe they have reasons to act as excited or apathetic as they did. I don’t really know, I don’t really care.

But it was really nice seeing my brother so happy to be back home.

I’m glad to have my brother so happy.

Just makes me wonder why exactly I’m not happy myself.

It feels like I’ve been depressed for a long while. It affects me, it affects what I do, and it affects anyone unlucky enough to be near me, to listen to me, to know what I’m like a few levels below the surface.

It also affects Avatar, but we won’t go there.

If it’s all a chemical imbalance in the brain, it just makes me feel broken. But maybe I am. Can I fix myself? Probably not completely, I’ll just stitch things together as I see fit, transform myself into this Modern Art piece where things jut out like spears, making it all the more impossible for anyone to get near.

But enough with the metaphors.

If it is a chemical imbalance, then it’s not my… it’s not my fault. I’m not absolving myself of everything, it’s just that when I get depressed I blame myself, I blame others, I just blame everything because I have this thirst for vengeance, to get myself in the right.

If it’s a chemical imbalance, then I’m depressed because it just happens that I have a bad setup in my head, a low dosage of serotonin. And environmental factors just agitate it, making it all the more unbearable.

And maybe I just overthink things, because it’s 3:39 in the morning and I’m hyped on coffee and I have nothing else to do.

I guess I need sleep. This post has gone on for too long.


Trying this out

2007-12-19 23:52

It seems to be working OK, except that the import sort of killed the comments, but I backed it up so yay me! YAY AWESOME I GOT THINGS TO LOOK OKAY. Gallery’s half up, but I gots to do the comic now so yeah later dudes.

Comment [1]


I cannot sleep

2007-12-16 17:32

For I have found a treasure trove of Remixes. Oh. My. God. These are like audio orgasms.





There's Silly, There's Stupid, There's Fucking Insane

2007-12-11 16:43

I've always wanted to be that strange woman who gives you the impression she's a little bit crazy, but is actually a wise, calm, comforting kind of woman once you get to know her.

Divi in my head always spews out such nice things about humanity. It's hard to capture, sometimes, but the meaning sums up to be “We all are who we are by what we do. And what we do is live on.” It's supposed to say something. It's supposed to say no matter how messed up we are, we keep on going. For survival? Sure, we have our self-preservation instincts. But mostly because we can, because we want to, because life is supposed to be this amazing adventure.

And then I get myself thinking “Yes, I want to be Divi.” But she's wholly imaginary. Except she's not, because she's in my head.

Is that what life asks? To paint this image and make it real?

I'm never going to be that pretty. But I can be a little bit crazy.

It's a step.


I Hate Oprah.

2007-12-11 07:39

I caught today's Oprah about Susan Still.

One of the reasons I hate talk shows is because the hosts LOVE hearing the sound of their own voice. They talk over their guests, they cut them off when there's a commercial – with no warning. And they repeat facts that are essentially redundant… “The tape was 51 minutes long.”

Yes. That draws focus AWAY from the important things, like your freaking guest.

And then they follow up something important like domestic abuse with “Tune in tomorrow for the HOLIDAY SHOW.”

It's… just. Infuriating.



2007-12-09 15:35

It seems I've gotten another watch for my birthday.

I wonder what they're trying to tell me.



2007-12-08 14:48

It's going to be my 20th birthday tomorrow. However, with matters like these I'm not sure if I ever really cared, since I never chose the day to be born on. Sure, December is cool, the number 9 is pretty awesome, but I'm nearly always depressed during the winter and my birthday seems to be the pinnacle of Everything That Doesn't Make Enough Sense.

But anyway.

It's strange when you meet someone you can integrate with so well – that you start picking up on their thoughts and feelings and interpret that as your own.

After Jay and I spent a pretty chill day watching The Lost Room and Dark City, and after a less than stunning dinner, I just felt all sorts of out of it. (Not food poisoning, this time). Now, I like to think I'm fairly obvious about my feelings, even if I don't say anything. Erin has said before I had an honest face.

I was just disappointed by my surroundings. I keep feeling so much bitterness because I had an un-American childhood, filled with fear and restrictions and bad judgment calls, on both my side and my parent's. I kept thinking “What am I doing here? Why am I here, why do I have to put up with this?” I wanted to run away, since it always seems the easiest way out at the time.

I want adventures and to find out the world isn't really as bitter and cold and rigid – like both Joe Miller and John Murdoch found out. That there are truly strange and amazing things that provides people with power and motive and inspiration. I wanted everything that isn't monotony, absurd restrictions, culture clashes, hypocrisy, the things I experienced living here.

I want to leave the hypocrisy. I want to stay with the people I've found to be good and true.



2007-12-06 15:57

This is going to mention an Avatarian character that's not to come for MONTHS (at least at the rate I'm going >_>)

But she's pretty familiar if you've known anything of my stories and characters in the past. Her name's Divinya Cuvier. And I'd just like to point out that her theme song is actually an ALBUM.

Delirium's Poem (apparently Canadian version).

Mostly everything there is pretty awesome, and thematically appropriate. And there's another Delirium song I'd like to point out: “Truly (Infusion Remix)”. I am in LOVE with that song. :headphones:

And freaking WOW I found Infusion to be an awesome band o_o Well, maybe not awesome, but they've got great beats.



2007-12-04 14:36

I feel bad for posting something I shouldn't have.

Opinions that weren't mine – I posted that without permission. That's the only thing I feel bad about, though.

It leads me to say, though, that people have a right to reject whatever they want for whatever reason. It's a right, because it's a choice, and everyone has a right to have choices.

But all I want is for everyone to think for themselves. Words are malleable, they change meaning over time. I've changed often enough in this very blog, and it's only so many months old. If I say something stupid and people draw connections to some OTHER site, what difference does it make? I'm allowed to have an opinion. I'm not out to make people feel bad. I'm out to let you all understand what I know, what I believe, what's right and wrong in my sense of the world. That's all, I'm not here to force my opinions on you.

All I want is for you to think for yourselves. I'm just providing my perspective because it's all I have.


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